“Anyone who has shared something personal and received a thoughtless or uncomprehending response knows how it makes your soul want to crawl back in its hiding place. Are there areas in your life that you are not willing to explore or deal with honestly? That will limit your ability to connect with others at deeper levels. The ability to truly connect with others is based on how much you connect with yourself. Be self-awareĪnother key aspect of being a good conversationalist is being self-aware. They recognise the value of taking in different viewpoints to find genuine solutions. It is the result of focus and experience. Good managers, for example, are good listeners. “The truth is, we only become secure in our convictions by allowing them to be challenged.” This is an approach that is not based on finding quick and easy answers. Develop frameworks that allow for the inherent contradictions of being human. What led to those decisions?īeing able to take on board opposing views enriches your experience. Seek to understand why a person supports the beliefs they have. It's not a matter of seeking out opposing opinions to disagree, or to convince. It takes time and patience to stay present as people share. They work to develop habits that support their goals. If someone is dull or uninteresting, it’s on you.” “The most valuable lesson I’ve learned as a journalist is that everybody is interesting if you ask the right questions. Murphy notes that people can tell when you are being genuine, so don't just reserve it for the VIPs. Try to dedicate more of your most valuable asset, your focus and attention, to the living beings around you. Cultivate CuriosityĬhoose to be curious about people. Here are some tips from the book to build your communication skills. There are some ideas for everyone who wants to build stronger bonds with people. The book was not created for English language learners specifically. It is a call to take a serious look at what modern culture has done to listening habits in general. It also limits our capacity to create deeper levels of meaning in our lives. It affects our ability to build stronger social connections and develop leadership skills. With that, we also lose many opportunities. She suggests the practice of taking the time to get to know people is also being lost. As a journalist, Murphy questions the impact of losing the art of listening. It’s the missed opportunity to connect when you weren’t listening or someone wasn’t really listening to you.'You're Not Listening What you're missing and why it matters' is a book about the value of being a good listener. What makes us feel most lonely and isolated in life is less often the result of a devastating traumatic event than the accumulation of occasions when nothing happened but something profitably could have. The lack of being known and accepted in this way leads to feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. It’s when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing. Listening is about the experience of being experienced. Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done (“Here, let me show you.” “Don’t be shy.” “That’s awesome!” “Smile for Daddy.”). It’s what we all crave to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention. “To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. She also has a commercial pilot's license, which she puts to good use when called upon to report from remote locations. She is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly.
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